Remembering China

Someone very patient obviously made this video. And their message is well appreciated! Anything can be beautiful if you spend enough time choreographing a jazz dance dance with it. Even the scum of our planet, like Pigeons and Mice. Merry Christmas everyone!

True Crime STORIES

David Lycnh, take off your invisibility cloak for one second and tell us how you manage to pounce on and mangle anything that is kind of creepy but not too creepy. You put the 'uncomfortable' in m-i-d-a-s


VS

Fun fun Fun Fun Fun

Branding yourself 'The Fun Factory' is a pretty ballsy move. It's like getting married, but the opposite. You've used up all your 'bad mood' cards; you can't just get your period, have low blood sugar, or get stomach aches. And don't even think about engaging in discussion with first year Poli Sci students or being hung over. Your job is delivering 100% fun, all the time. Yup, it's all funny outfits, cocaine, choreographed dances and sports with the boys from now on...

Getting tricked my good looking people

Even if they put this in the opening credits, I probably still would of paid 14 dollars to endure the sexual frustration of two incredibly good looking people getting really close to each others faces, but never actually making out. Not.

sex is a texas drought

Girls love assholes and this will never change. I'd rather be serenaded by these guys than strummed a song involving many synonyms for love ANY day. Eat your heart out John Cusack.


"But I got this notion that the motion of your ocean means small craft advise-oree
I want you smothered, want you covered, like my waffle-house-hashbrowns
So if I capsize, on your thighs, high tide, b-five, you sunk my battleship
So show me yours Ill show you mine, tool time!"

Good call Stevie Kicks

You know that feeling when you find that really perfect vintage jean jacket and you sport it with the utmost indie chills pride? And then you see someone better looking than you wearing the same jacket but accessorized with pins that say really funny shit and they bought it for $1.99?
Do you think that scene from Superbad where Micheal Cera sings 'These eyes' feels the same way about Will Smith?

You can't have your Japanoise, and eat it's sub genre to. Or can you?

The answer is no. When I was growing up(last February), my mom told me otherwise. I did some research on this. Let me explain. 'Math Rock' and 'Japanoise' are my two favourite genres, right? When fused, they translate into exactly what you think you think you think. Quench your curiosity. Drink, DRINK!

Melt-Banana - Cat Brain Land

common, introduce me!

I came across my future profession today while trying to memorise the history of certain icelandic pop bands so to impress my future boyfriend who I plan on meeting on the streetcar tomorrow- [enter sentence]"The band was founded by sometimes journalist Bob Stanley".

Sometimes Journalist.

Bob Stanley, you fucking genius, you write about things on occasion, and in the off season you find bands to found. Mom, he gets me.

tods pod

Podictionary has a soothing enough voice than you'll fall asleep before he starts preaching to you about post-party rules and Harry Potter...if you drink coffee a few minutes before hand though, you get the bonus features of some fictional character named Scott who steals Cabs.

http://podictionary.com/?p=627

In a perfect world...

...every day would be a different dress up theme, split ends wouldn't exist, my mom would have done my homework by now, and all these songs would, respectively, begin at these given times....

2:33


5:21


3:25

This incredible video is to short. I demand more of this un-annoying video! It is so yummy and delicious and I want to lick its plate clean and then order seven more of this video. Um, hello!? Customer Service, hi I'd like an extended warranty on this video please! This is soooooooooooooooooooooooo gooooooooddddddddddddddddddddddddd

Friends with money

Most of my friends are assholes and I'm ok with that. I realise I have unrealistic expectations about friendships but I could never pinpoint the source of this confusion.

Rick Dees and the weekly top fortee

VS



The scent of love was in the air in the lush meadows of Teenagehood. I waited patiently for it to show itself. It was 4 pm and something stirred in the tall grass. The puggle squirmed its way out of the swamp-like garden and swatted the blades of grass off his snout and eyes with his paw. Riding into the smoke of a fire, it swaggered amongst the tall and proud men. I watched as they took turns licking each others ears and when I next turned around they were intertwined and asleep, the eeriness had lifted and someone was whispering "you are safe here, you are safe here".

PNAU - With You Forever

Will someone walk this track back home to where it belongs? Unemployed, in Green Land! Twirling around in it's salmon coloured tu-tu on the shores of the beach with Leo Dicaprio, dropping acid for the first time with it's younger sister in a Peruvian forest, interviewing Scarlett Johanson in a new york cafe, or petting Falcor the Luck Dragon atop a moderately snowy mountain.

ALLVVIINN!!!

The chipmunks were a good band. Young, funny, fresh faced. Kanye West and Young Jeezy samples them and Alvin is a type of chocolate bar in Chile. So where did these poor little rodents go wrong?

vs, vs, vs

Just think of it as a deluxe pizza, a super deluxe pizza. So what if you're a vegan? You prefer simple things in life; an almond, an apple, a shot of wheat grass yes we know. Fuck it! It's your birthday! Go all out!

The Whitest Boy Alive vs Mylo vs Cut Copy - Otto's Golden Journey (Andy Webb's Dreamy Blend)

At it's finest black state, coffee is most enjoyable whilst perusing the under- priced soft cover version of "stuff white people like" in Urban Outfitters while your mother searches for a plaid shirt. I think this is because I am white and I like coffee, and my mother from what I gather, liked plaid first, thus is going to buy out all the newborn plaid in the city so that she can keep the tradition in our family going.

This is Aimee

She doesn't give a fuck.
She wore boys swimming trunks as a bathing suit until she was 11.
She skipped frosh week to watch Tropic Thunder every day for a week.
She plays crystal castles songs on repeat the whole way up to Collingwood.
She prances around with underwear on her head and chants made-up song lyrics about poo and cacti and highways.
She is incredible at covertly puking in cabs.
She has stolen over $1000 worth of sushi and fruit slices from Loblaws.
She once convinced me to wear adult diapers, not to long ago, for a whole day.

Stinging Nettle

How does one quench the stinging of Stinging Nettle?
It's impossible! Nettle stings and it stangs bahd, Nettle makes your disc golf games turn sour in a second. Nettle is like accidental spicy peppers that immediately make you pissed off and not even the intolerance/unpleasantness of the anti-body: MILK can save you. Red Ants or Nettle? Red....ants....

Oh Wesley...you have H I V

How do I get on a show? I want to be on a show(s). If I had shinier hair and made better use of describing words like "succulent", "tender" and "moist" I could most certainly be on a cooking show. I'm pretty sure it works on a cue card by cue card basis; "these strawberries are...*cue card*.."tender...and will make your muffins...moist".

If I was more depressed and knew how to smile I could RUN MTV man. People would love me. If I was younger, or, I guess had more defined freckles, I could, in theory, replace the Big Comfy Couch girl. I haven't tuned in to Much Music for a while but I can only assume they are on their game with the racial balance. No room for me. I could be a reporter for CBC! I would have to put on an impeccable British Accent but I could do it.

Rumble in the...bronx

My friends and I dressed up as Jackie Chan and the gang back in halloween '95. We also paved the way for the greatest generation of all time here in the late 2000's. A not so disposable outfit after all....

Just like your parents...

They love each other...but you never have to worry about seeing them have sex!

"How to Confuse and Crush Children's Dreams"; a perplexing new thought by: Perez Hilton and other, less popular media sources.

If there's any lesson Jim Gordons son screamed to us, it's that he did nothing wrong. It's confusing as is. He was white, and now he is Dark, but he did nothing wrong! Meanwhile, your leaving the theatre agreeing on how stupid white knights are...

And then SLAP! Your ONLY will to live, your one source of genuine hope, is a drunk abusive husband. You assholes! Can you not just keep this one on the down low? Here, instead, why don't you just give me this winning lottery ticket, and steal it back while I'm sleeping and dreaming about all the puppies I'm going to buy with it.

Nas changed his new album name from "Nigger" to "Nas". I know this because I read hip hop forums sometimes, and for good reason. The number of black people who are pissed off about this is way more epic than any white people outroar by, oh let's say a Peter Funk album name change. This is why Black People music is better than white people music. And why we capitalize the word Black People.

Welcome to the sweatshop!

Sexual Seduction was playing and it was nicely remixed and everyone was really impressed and then it just .......stopped. I don't think Flasstradamus meant to piss us off, because it was really hot, so hot that maybe they forgot to keep playing the song after that. Vancouver might have better beaches than everywhere else in the world, but their downstairs secret sauna rooms are boring and god damn hot. Hot as in hot. Steam rooms are the new hot. I'm all...ah! Sweatshop is not just a clever name! It's literally a sweatshop! Everyone is struggling to shrug their shoulders and give each other that "whatever" look. It's obviously a sweatshop, what did you expect. I make a Holocaust joke and no one laughs and I know it's just because there is condensation dripping from the ceiling. Look around! The $20 cover demanded at the door is for a good reason! Your mascara could RUN! You could BE someone at the sweatshop!. Meanwhile the washroom crew is splashing toilet water on their faces and holding each others hair back. Anything other than the sweatshop makes about as much sense as moving out of your parents house.

You'll find a new york city cop someday, Lapdance me, right?

Several birds were taken down today by a stone fallen from indie heaven. Watch out hoodinternet.com! Pharrell just might of nagged this summers most confusing mash up hit. This chaotic single is hard to overlook, considering it flashes three of the trendiest (and clashing) sounds in all of hipsterville. Luckily this song isn't good, otherwise someone somewhere would have the impossible job of entering this genre of hodgepodge inter-racial bantar into Itunes.


Produced By Pharrell - Santogold, Julian Casablancas, N.E.R.D.

Mornings, let's face them together

We'd like to....help you pick them up again. Take a minute. Sit down. Face a bowl of...Kellog's Corn Flakes. Know they won't feel heavy. Know they won't be stuffy. Know they're actually good for you because they were invented for exactly that reason. And when you're finished knowing all that, it just might make morning a little easier to face. Wouldn't that be nice?

Little Tommy had a bad day

Tila Tequila STRIPPING!!

Warning* Extreme Salamandar video

Speed Dating 101

The library is a scary place, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. The University Cafe situated right beside the library is far more entertaining, not to mention the most likely place to find a date. Library studiers are always thirsty for coffee, and conversation-with anything. I sit, watching a student who I will soon know as Mike as he sips his frappucino (over)enthusiastically on the couches alone. His eyes are really wide, like Mr. Burns as an Alien. Mike didn't used to be a close talker, but he recently went through library rehab entailing really scary rooms that are lit just like the Saw movies where you do nothing but read textbooks for hours. When Mike emerged from the catacombs he just really wanted someone to talk to about his Islam mother and what he thought of 16 year old girls. One minute I'm staring across the room wondering if the poor kid is Jewish or not and the next minute he is a close talking machine. It's a crazy world out there, keep your friends close, but keep your pets closer.

Sassafraz is dead

Edward Norton, save me! *gulp* Help me! I'm drowning! EDWARD NORTON! HELP ME! Roll up the Rim season is OVER!
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Freddy mercury called...

...He wants his vibe back.
Hey! All you unceasingly good looking men out there... quit using your facial hair to wean us into your tight iron like grips of boring mustache hell. Do you have any idea what this means? You might as well roofie me. I'm in a loud bar and I have no interest in having you hold me in your arms as I gaze from your eyes to your upper lip and back and the next thing I know I'm letting you tell me about this band Cut Copy for the 17th time and really liking it. If it wasn't for your mustached face I would not be here. It's so unfair. You're on the subway mocking me and you're Nick Lachey and you're my dad and you're mocking me. It's sick and it's weird and stop it.

I went away for a couple weeks and came back and my dogs were acting really weird

Damien Rice acoustic set

Hey! Screw you! She HATES pickles!

I will not smile

For someone who spends most of their time laughing at things, I get told to 'smile!' way to often. Homeless people tell me to smile on average 5-7 times a week. I don't know what it is. I myself get mistaken for a homeless person fairly often, but I don't think that's it. I walk around a lot, especially around Tim Hortons and convenient and comfortable alleyways, but it's beyond that. I could be sprinting, running away from the giant robot from the 'Intergalactic' video, and that bum would still make sure to stop me only to get my attention so I could smile. In fact, I get asked for smiles more than I get asked for change/miscellaneous things homeless people would want. This one guy on Queen St sees me coming, and changes his cardboard sign to say "smile!". The guy who thinks he is hilarious because he dresses like Santa year-round that holds the sign saying "my sleigh broke down"-he asks me for change, I say no, and then before I can walk away says "what about a smile?". You smell, Santa. Large men who dress like Santa in the spring do not make me want to smile. I was so relieved to find a babbling woman in a velvet cloak pacing outside my Tim Hortons today, replacing the usual terrifying psychotic man that sits outside and unpredictably screeches. When I stepped outside the door with my coffee, I stopped, and the woman in the cloak and I set eyes on each other and had a moment. She didn't ask for change or a smile, but I smiled anyway.
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Today was sunny and I didn't get bullied. The only thing, that could, by definition, define today, is this.

Cat highlights

There is a funny cat epidemic infecting the internet lately. Cats are the perfect creatures to make fun of because they might be Aliens, plus they are oblivious to us making fun of them because they're to caught up in trying to give you a boner by walking past your leg, erotically brushing your skin and then standing there staring at you. Making fun of cats is so contagious that youtube has been bombarded with funny cat videos, coincidentally the funniest ones are now harder to find. Don't worry I've already done the research on this.

------------------------------------------------
" Hi all.

May I please ask that whoever goes into my desk and takes candy and
chocolate stops doing that.

If you want, just ask, and I will 99% of the time say yes, unless I need it
for something, which on occasion I do. For instance, the (now) empty case
of Sour Skittles.

Thank you,
d."

Get busy

"Let me ask you something here Kevin. You say you can make ANY funny face in the world, is that true?"
"I don't know, you tell me!"


More importatly........
once someone told me that the Beastie Boys were better than the Roots. Yes. I nodded. I would rather listen to the Beastie Boys any day above wearing a roots sweatsuit, also, I'm not Jewish, but that's not important. Anyway, it turns out the person was referring to the Legendary Roots Crew. Go figure. Although his argument was kind of convincing, it was still an idiotic statement. Like saying, "I like drinking barf more than I like drinking water". There might be some validity in a statement like that, but not likely.

Check out questloves expression

Theme week

If you haven't already heard-it's theme week here on my new blog. The theme is my friends who have worse lives than you. Today we have a guest contribution from someone who would rather remain anonymous because he can't bear to hear his own name out loud.

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Today I accomplished a lot. After waking up naturally, as in no alarms, around noon, I lay in bed and scratched my body. "Ughh, what time is it?" I wondered aloud before picking my nose for what could have been upwards of 7 minutes. Once my nostrils were clear I rose and ate just enough cereal to give me the energy I need to play video games. You see I recently decided at the age of nearly 26 to recommit myself to video games. It seemed to me like something was missing from my life and I realized that it was 1st person shooters. My main problem is that I only have a 1st gen XBOX so I'm now saving up GST cheques and all of my coins in a high yield interest savings account with ING Direct and arranging for payback extensions for all the money I owe my friends and family with the hope that I can afford a Playstation 3 before I beat Halo on Legendary mode. I'd prefer to not have to wait much longer because I really don't like down time. Later that evening I found myself somewhere on the Danforth, and I was hungry. I went into a store and purchased a gyro. The grey haired greek man behind the counter began speaking to me but I couldn't understand him. I think he was talking about the Olympic torch but I can't be sure. His accent was very thick. I bid him an awkward farewell before returning moments later because I forget my drink and then almost got hit by a car jay walking across the street to the subway. I stood in front of Chester station eating the Gyro without noticing that the oil was dripping all over my sweater. When I returned home I had a headache and a messy room. I chose not to take pain killers or tidy up and instead lay on my bed watching Double Team starring Jean Claude Van Damme and Dennis Rodman.

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Here is an msn conversation with my good friend Matt Ortved

I LOVE DOUCHES says:
Matt if we dated would you cheat on me?
Ya Basta says:
if a hot chick wanted to fuck me
Ya Basta says:
yes, definitely
Ya Basta says:
were so young
I LOVE DOUCHES says:
But what if I killed myself afterwards?
Ya Basta says:
fuck love
Ya Basta says:
then i would feel semi bad
Ya Basta says:
but i would think your crazy for killing yourself over me
Ya Basta says:
cause you should have known better

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Alright folks, hope that made you feel better about your lives.

Here is an update on Yossi Fishers facebook status :
"Yossi says fuck the McRib, when is McDonalds bringing Pizza back?!"

*sigh*

I created a blog

This morning I talked with the old Portuguese woman who lives next door on the sidewalk outside. She offered to make me soup everyday for the next month if I agreed to take out her garbage every Thursday. She stared at my forehead the whole conversation. I obliged, although I immediately regretted not informing her of the fact that I was moving out today. Before I went back inside my house to check if I had a zit on my forehead, I told the woman about the short video I made of her cat after it broke into my house for the 37th time this year. It was an anniversary video. I think she was offended because she stopped staring at my forehead. Later in the day I saw the same woman on the St Clair Streetcar but she did not say hello. I hummed 99 red balloons the whole streetcar ride, and when I got off it was raining outside and I felt compelled to make a blog.

Here is a link to my longtime facebook crush Yossi Fisher. Apparently he was nominated for Canada's next bachelor? Let's wish him luck!

http://cosmotv.ca/HotGuys/BachelorSearch/186/Profile.aspx